Marriage Myths in the Church

Today, I want to share with you a common myth about seeking a spouse, quite prevalent in churches. Some time ago, a mother and daughter came to our church—seemed good, very devoted to the Lord! Later, it became clear they were there to find a partner. How were they looking? She prayed to God: God, grant my daughter a boyfriend!

She found a handsome young man online who was in our church. He posted on Weibo every two or three days. These mother and daughter, being quite devoted, received much from his posts. She later told me, Through reading his Weibo, I've grown so much. Then, this mother and daughter asked me what I thought of the boy. Later, they even wanted to arrange a meeting.

This phenomenon of finding partners in the church is quite common. Some people even worry: Look, there are so few boys and so many girls, what should we do? What should we do? Actually, there's nothing to do.

The girl's mother asked me what I thought of the boy. I said, His Weibo posts are very well-written. I added, Actually, the content of his Weibo is what I said; he just copied it and posted it. But the mother didn't give up. After they met, nothing came of it. They were anxious, thinking, Men should marry when they're of age, and women should marry when they're of age, to avoid becoming leftover men and women. We have to find someone.

What am I getting at? When many people read the Bible, their favorite passage is about Abraham's servant who traveled all the way to his homeland and kindred to bring Rebekah back to Isaac. This story is simply amazing, and many want to replicate it. But it's impossible to replicate because it's not the same level of thing.

Abraham finding a wife for his son Isaac was something done with a sense of Mingding Destiny. And Rebekah was remarkable; she was a person with Mingding Destiny, so she came from afar to marry Isaac. In churches, many people pray to God, and while praying, they actually meet someone! From what I know, many of these unions don't end well.

Many think it will be sweet and loving, but that's not the reality. Often, it's like being in deep water, neither hot nor cold. After a while, there's no feeling left. Didn't they ask God for this? Then why did it turn out this way? They say, God, why didn't you take care of this back then?

People sometimes like to ask God for signs. Later, in the New Testament, from beginning to end, I couldn't find such teachings. The Apostle Paul never spoke of this, never taught this stuff. So, I wondered, How is this being taught? How exactly is it being taught? This is very interesting.

The issue of marriage is discussed quite a bit in 1 Corinthians chapter 7. I carefully studied it. Paul's view, I dare not misrepresent, but we can read it, right? After you hear it, you don't have to argue with me. If you want to argue, go argue with the Apostle Paul. Maybe you'll have a chance to meet him, maybe you won't. What I mean is, the thing you care about is closely related to what Paul cared about and the entire mindset expressed in the Bible.

So, I think it's best to understand this issue clearly. Why aren't there more records in the Bible about seeking a partner? I think there's this view: two Israelites together, some say it's better than one, while others say one person is better than two.

The Choice Between Marriage and Faith

Later, I did the math. If two people are together, and one is unhappy, the other is also unhappy. And if the other is unhappy, then this one is also unhappy. But there are few times when both are happy, so it's quite deadly!

It's better to be alone, unhappy if you're unhappy. But when two people are together, if you're unhappy, I'm unhappy; if I'm unhappy, you're unhappy.

So these are my own opinions. However, the Bible says this:

I think that, in view of the present distress, it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. (1 Corinthians 7:26-28)

Can you understand these words? I understand them. If you don't understand, read them several more times. Read a book a hundred times, and its meaning will become clear.

What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away. I would like you to be free from concern.

An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.

I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. If anyone is worried that he is acting inappropriately toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years, and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does well. So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better. (1 Corinthians 7:29-38)

What is being said here? The person who marries or gets married will suffer much in the flesh. Do you see how clearly this is stated? If you want that suffering, it is your choice; it is not a sin. But how else can it be said? If someone marries, it is to please his wife. If someone does not marry, it is to please the Lord. That is to say, marriage is tied together with pleasing the Lord. I do not dare interpret recklessly; you interpret it yourself. I am only reading these words to you.

The person who marries is to please her husband, and the person who does not marry is to please the Lord. I think Paul says this so that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. From my personal observation, some things cannot be undone.

What does undo mean? For example, in a Word document, you type some words and then modify them. If you want to return to the way it was before the modification, that is called undo. Taking marriage as an example, it is not something you can undo as you wish. It is very difficult to undo.

Realities and Challenges in Marriage

There was a sister I once ministered to. She's now married. When she first got married, she felt it was all good – the mother-in-law was good, the husband was good, everything was fine. But as days went by, things slowly changed. Why? Because that's life. And then came the children.

Initially, it was a case of one person eating their fill and the whole family being content. Then it became a problem for two. The problem of two then morphed into the problem of three, with the arrival of a child. Then four, with another child. Then five, with yet another...

And to care for these children, the mother-in-law had to be brought in. Heavens, so many things happening, she was physically and mentally exhausted! Now, even the thought of Mingding Destiny becomes difficult. Why? Because she has to consider so many factors! She has no choice but to consider them. It's not a matter of simply choosing to ignore them.

So, we were originally trying to solve one problem – the problem of being single, which marriage was supposed to solve. But solving the problem of being single brought even more problems. Solving one problem led to two more problems; solving two problems led to even more problems. What to do then? It's hard to handle. If you ask me how to deal with this situation, I wouldn't know what to say. Why? Too complex.

So, I think the gist of what Paul was saying is this: I want you to be without anxiety. Instead, be anxious for the things of God, for the things of the Lord. Those who have taken a wife, let it be so. Those who have married, let it be so. Those who have children, well, you can't send them back now. So what to do? Suffer more in the flesh.

And when I say this, it's from the Bible. I explain it again and again. Do you still seek a wife then? Or seek a husband? If you do seek, I offer you this passage from the Bible: I would spare you this trouble.

Later, I gradually realized that if a couple has children, their focus is basically only on their family. They may still pay attention to the things of God, but when you mention their husband, children, family, you see, it becomes difficult for them to focus on anything else. It's normal. It's not a sin, but there is more suffering in the flesh.

The children are not yet grown, and when they grow up, if they don't study well, the teacher becomes your problem. If they study well, that's fine. Then they grow older, they start dating, causing worries! Getting married, then taking wives, then all the fussing, and then you're old. And what have you done? You've done what everyone else in the world does. Everyone in the world has their own set of problems. That's how everyone slowly lives out their lives.

I wonder, have people really understood this matter? Some seem to have understood, some don't seem to have. You make a choice, it's not a sin, but it comes with many constraints. So, having made such a decision, you cannot undo it, you cannot go back. You just have to keep moving forward. Those who haven't made such a decision yet, if you're still eager to do so, then observe carefully first.

I think in the Old Testament, Isaac was a man with Mingding Destiny, and Rebekah was also a woman with Mingding Destiny. It's good if two people with Mingding Destiny are together. But the problem is, this situation doesn't happen often. Among so many people, in the days of Isaac and Jacob, there was only one Isaac who got married to a wife named Rebekah. But they ended up having two children named Esau and Jacob, and they also bickered.

Realities and Spiritual Considerations in Marriage

Some people say, if no one marries, won't humanity come to an end? If you want to worry about that, may God remember you. If you don't want to worry about that, it's also perfectly reasonable. Anyway, I can't worry about it, because God Himself will take care of things! As for me, I think we should just read the Bible as it is and slowly come to understand it.

I think this will be of great benefit to everyone. If you still want to seek, I encourage you, don't be superstitious. Because there's not much basis in the Bible for us to rely on some kind of confirmation to make a decision. The best confirmation is when you yourself know what kind of decision you are making.

From my observation, regarding marriage or finding a partner, I have this thought: I'm not very good at matchmaking, because I've found that when a couple quarrels, they blame the matchmaker. The matchmaker is always unlucky. When they're doing well, they forget you, but when they're not doing well, they bring you up. So why bother? Right?

That is to say, the traditional view is, don't be a matchmaker. If you want to do it, fine. But I think within the church, don't just think that because someone is a Christian, you must find a Christian husband, find a Christian wife. It sounds good, but many people today are Christians on the surface. What they are in their hearts, what they will be in the future, no one knows.

What we need to do is to fulfill our responsibility and clarify things. So, don't just have a feeling, don't just have a confirmation, and then make a decision without clarifying anything. You are not Isaac. If you were Isaac, you could have your father send someone to find a strange girl and say, our young master, that's you, wants to take you as his wife, and then that strange girl would come with him. But the chance of someone being willing to come with you is almost zero! They don't even know who you are. They are not Rebekah, and you are not Isaac. So, the case of Rebekah and Isaac is not suitable for you.

The problem is, if you are Rebekah, God will prepare Isaac for you. And if you are Isaac, God will prepare Rebekah for you. But the problem is, do you have this Mingding Destiny?

Recently, I've been ministering to these things. Alas, these couples, it's not easy. These things about couples, they are originally very simple, but they become more and more complex. What I dislike ministering to the most are these things between couples. It's so difficult to handle, it drains energy.

For example, when a couple comes to you, it's always when they're having conflicts. When they are doing well, they leave you aside. What Mingding Destiny or not, they are just living their lives. So later, I slowly developed a habit. Usually, I stay far away from these things. I can't handle them, and I don't want to handle them.

But if our brothers and sisters want to have some small breakthroughs in the matter of marriage, I'll give you a word: may God have mercy. Everyone, stop having all kinds of fantasies, because this matter is actually suffering in the flesh.

If you listen to what I've said and think that I advocate singlehood, let me clarify, I don't advocate this or that. I'm just reading to you what Paul said in the Bible.

If you don't believe me, you can read it more. After you finish reading it, you'll understand that married life is the enemy of God. The enemy of God is often nothing else but living a small life. Living a small life is actually not in accordance with God's heart.

Let's share to this point. May God bless everyone!