Introduction

Good day to all. Today, we delve into the second session of The Art of Living. The first focused on fundamental speaking skills, while this session addresses Basic Skills for Building Relationships.

I. Building Relationships: A Profound Topic

The subject of building relationships is profoundly complex. To thoroughly explore the establishment and management of interpersonal relationships would require far more than even a hundred thousand words, perhaps even a million. The intricacies of relationships between individuals, nations, and the very concept of relationships consume our entire lives. An elderly pastor once told me, With guanxi, there's no problem; without guanxi, every matter becomes a problem. This sentiment is nearly untranslatable into English, as only the Chinese truly grasp its meaning.

Many books offer guidance on speaking, and ample opportunities exist to practice. Figures like Zhao Benshan and Guo Degang are masters of oration. Similarly, many are experts in building relationships, fostering strong connections between people. While I've perused numerous books on the subject, few have elucidated the true essence. It is not out of arrogance that I say this, but I aim to highlight what I believe to be the core principles. This topic is profound, and this is the mere genesis. Further study and application are essential for mastery.

Recently, we conducted training for junior pastors on pastoral care, which inevitably touches upon relationships. The depth of the relationship dictates the nature of the conversation. For instance, the way I speak to my son differs significantly from how I would address another's child. Some parents speak to their own children as if they were guests, highlighting the critical importance of relational depth.

II. Cultivating Interpersonal Relationships

Recently, a couple in our midst were nearly at each other’s throats. I advised them to cultivate their relationship, urging them to avoid becoming like adversaries. Marriage should not lead to such bitterness. Cultivate diligently is a phrase I often use, as relationships genuinely require nurturing. Regardless of the context, diligent cultivation is paramount. One must understand how to cultivate and discern which relationships are worth the effort. For example, a person of limited value attending a class reunion may feel out of place. When asked about their occupation and they respond, I work at the courthouse, only to have a classmate retort, Oh, you sweep the floors there, there is little to cultivate. The foundation of interpersonal relationships lies in one's personal value.

Cultivation starts with oneself. Without personal value, relationships cannot be sustained. For instance, if a wife expected her husband to become wealthy, yet he earns less than she does, the husband's efforts may prove futile. Even exceptional individuals may struggle if the wife's needs exceed the husband's capacity to provide. A relationship where one party cannot offer anything is inherently unhealthy. The key to healthy relationships lies in the ability to cultivate oneself. Manage your time wisely, lest it be squandered entirely, leading to future worthlessness. Even a job sweeping floors at the courthouse is no different from sweeping floors elsewhere.

Let no janitor or cleaner take offense at my words. I am illustrating a fundamental principle: the quality of relationships we cultivate is a reflection of who we are. Let no one think I despise him; I do not. Whether I am serving a cleaner, a CEO, or anyone else, I do so as if serving God. The crucial point is to diligently cultivate ourselves, constantly improving our communication skills. One should speak with eloquence and knowledge, rendering even cleaning a dignified task.

One’s life should be spent cultivating oneself and the relationships, one builds. Consider seeking employment: from the initial interview and acceptance to onboarding, training, probation, and promotions, each stage demands relational cultivation. A sister shared a job posting that she felt unqualified for in terms of knowledge, yet beneficial for her career. I told her, if she secures the position, she must cultivate her relationships within the firm. If she lacked the ability to meet the demands for the position, her work would suffer. While employers might be willing to accommodate recent graduates for a year or two, if the employee did not produce some value after two years they become a burden. Because the risks were high, I advised against taking that opportunity. Instead, I urged her to stay at her current job in which she had a good relationship and maintain her work there She could not go to an environment in that she had little skills and little interpersonal relationships

The key to my comments begins and ends with yourself, and your interpersonal relationships. Your relationship with your spouse, or with your boss, should be carefully managed. Make sure that you are doing your part in keeping the relationships positive, or else you will suffer. The best thing you can do to ensure the healthy relationship with yourself and others is to keep your emotions in check. Any temper outbursts will instantly make you look foolish, and ruin any prospects for good relationships, whether with your spouse, or with your colleagues.

III. The Categories of Human Relationships

We’re now speaking conceptually, because these relationships are rarely governed if there is no theoretical basis. Those familiar with Traditional Chinese Medicine has heard of Pattern Discernment and Treatment, the former of which requires looking (observing the patient), listening, and asking the patient questions about the illness. And if those familiar with Chinese painting, you'll realize the importance of ink density. Your relationship with others consists of a top, bottom, left, and right. You can imagine these directions the same way that one would view a cross; interpersonal relationships will likely be built on some combination of superiors, subordinates, and colleagues. However, this construct has, in this generation, been turned upside down, with kids no longer acting as kids, parents no longer acting as parents, bosses no longer acting like bosses, and subordinates no longer acting like subordinates. Some subordinates talk to their bosses as if they should be reporting to them, and conversely a boss talks to his subordinates as if giving a report. The topsy-turvy relationships are likely to be in a daze as they run forward, and need all the luck in the world.

We must distinguish between the top, bottom, left, and right directions of these relationships. Most important is how these directional relationships can all work together to build better relationships. I believe in all my life that I have done a much better job cultivating relationships with my boss (past) than my father did. In my work I was able to be a problem solver. On the other hand, my father tended to argue with his boss every time they were together.

In teaching these life skills, I am hoping to teach you to be a good person. And if you aren’t good, you can always learn to be a good person! And if you have the capacity to tell at your boss, that’s okay too as long as you can produce! One of the small group leaders shared with me that their protege, having just graduated from college, was fired because the boss didn’t like him. After the student was fired, the boss decided that he didn’t like the project he was put on either, and threw both the worker and the project away. You must learn these life skills! While I disagree with my boss from time to time, I am always able to resolve conflicts and produce results. I plan to teach you how to produce, which is critical. If you don’t do that, you will lose.

IV. The Essence of Interpersonal Relationships: Trust and Interests

I hear often that someone does not get why the boss doesn’t trust him. I ask him if he has done anything to be trustworthy. The truth is that if someone has gained you’re trust, you’re guaranteed to be disappointed. The essence of the relationship must be based on trust. Some way to earn trust is to quietly and earnestly do your job everyday for a while. If you’re known as a trustworthy person since you went to school, he’s bound to look at you when he’s looking for someone to hire.

If you're known as trustworthy, you're bound to be better off in the long run. Then, the relationship morphs into a kind of asset that you can hold on to.

Like one of our small group leaders whose college student constantly had to be shouted at! The student was not trustworthy, and constantly was in trouble. Given this failure, the college student’s reputation quickly came to his detriment. Once you've made a made a name in your family, you're better off.

You should develop those trustworthy habits from when you start out. While I wasn’t fully committed when I was attending university, I did hold some semblance to trustworthiness; there was no hot water at the dorm, and I would carry four thermos with me. Most other students would take just one. If you’re willing to work and aren't selfish, you’ll often do much better. Because you'll have developed the ability to cultivate relationships that turn into assets.

Everyone has core interests and concerns. If your interests don't align, they will not have time to care for you, and you will not be able to build a relationship with them. Not only should you care about their immediate interests, but you should care about their long-term interests. At the very least, you should not waste your time building a relationship because it is based on familiarity with them. If you do, you will be on guard all the time.

Trust and interests are the foundations of the relationship. My core interest is in pleasing God, and in working in the Body of Christ. If you’re not for this relationship, I’m happy to bless you. If you align with my visions, mission, and mandate, then that’s good for the relationship. With Jesus, it was the same with Judas, who ultimately betrayed him. I want everyone to understand that I am completely straightforward and honest with you. If you want to get God's grace, I'm willing to give it to you, as well as to tell people to go where they feel like they’re called to go if they've recovered. I'll also tell people that there's a period with which they aren't qualified- I don't need their help.

You must discover other's needs, whether your superior, colleague, or inferior. For instance, if you work at an enterprise, you should try to understand what each worker hopes to gain from the job. This becomes critical when you are the leader, because as the leader you have the ability to determine firing or keeping the employee. You should try to determine each worker’s core interests so that workers feel as though they have the ability to contribute. You may find that the interests of the worker align much closer with the job than you may think. All that remains is to keep trust and interest the foundation to your relationships.

V. The Biggest Problem in Interpersonal Relationships is Oneself

I have seen many people with strong self-preferences, distinct likes and dislikes. I don't know who taught them to be so foolish, caring only about their own preferences without considering others, resulting in them being disliked. The biggest relationship for a person is with oneself. Strong self-preferences lead to disapproval of everything. However, if you disapprove of many things, the relationship will deteriorate significantly. Everyone needs to start understanding their own emotions, as disapproval leads to strong emotions, which I have seen quite a lot. Once someone does something that doesn't suit their liking, they immediately yell at them. Why are you yelling if the other person isn't your subordinate? Yelling blindly is foolish. Therefore, people should constantly establish their image and then address the issues of selfishness and self-righteousness.

Many people think that speaking is important, but it's not. As the saying goes, what is in your heart will come out of your mouth. I often say that the selfish drive inside some people is known not only to me but also to God, ghosts, and even the dogs on the street. The things that people carry in their bones are what truly matter, and people don't think there's anything wrong with what they carry. Many people I pastor have a common phenomenon: they do foolish things and still think they are clever. Nothing I say works, which is also a form of evil. I said I would give them the answer, but they say they don't understand. Because there's something wrong with what they carry in their bones, our internal logic is truly detestable.

Don't think that just because someone doesn't love money, they are not selfish. They may not be selfish in some areas, but that doesn't mean they are truly unselfish, because it hasn't touched their core interests. Therefore, speaking is not the key; don't think that practicing speaking will lead to any significant results. I have everyone imitate the Genesis Bible study, hoping that the words in the Bible can fill your mind and remove the wrong things in your mind. I also hope that everyone will imitate Ecclesiastes and Proverbs, because it makes it easier for me if you ingest God's words. Letting you play around on your own, you can change what you can change, and what you can't change is your destiny. Because what I say is useless; it's better for God to speak.

The things we carry in our minds are things we have believed to be self-evident since birth. Later, I concluded that those who cannot manage their relationships with their parents cannot manage relationships with others. I often advise the brothers and sisters and co-workers among us to manage their relationships with their parents well. However, once, I advised a sister to manage her relationship with her mother well, and after listening, she looked disgusted, her face distorted. I knew something was wrong; if she couldn't manage her relationship with her mother, she probably couldn't manage her relationship with me either. As expected, she later kicked me, her pastor, out, so the biggest problem for a person is oneself. After studying for so many years, I have always been very careful. When pastoring, I first ask about various situations, and after listening, if I find that the person is unreliable, not trustworthy, and their pursuit of interests has nothing to do with me, then I wish them good luck.

VI. Building Relationships with Superiors

If you don't know how to build a good relationship with your superior, now that artificial intelligence is so advanced, you can use artificial intelligence to consult on how to build a good relationship with your superior. The same goes for not knowing how to build a relationship with your parents. In fact, both of these fall under the category of building good relationships with those above us. For me, building a good relationship with God is crucial. Even if you beat me to death, I wouldn't dare to offend God. If I offend God, it would only be accidentally or unknowingly. Once I know, I quickly correct things. I can play with anyone, but I would never dare to play with God.

Therefore, my relationship with my superior is arranged by God. The reason I am arranged by God to work in that place is not for any other reason; it is arranged by God, and God uses this to test me. Artificial intelligence answers how to build a relationship with your superior: respect and understand your superior's position and viewpoints. To put it bluntly, don't argue with your superior. Maintain a positive work attitude, be enthusiastic, and complete tasks efficiently. Communicate in a timely manner, seek cooperation and resources, and maintain professional ethics. In short, building a good relationship with your superior requires integrity, respect, and professionalism as a foundation, while also emphasizing effective communication and teamwork.

I don't even need to teach you this. Artificial intelligence is now smarter than everyone and knows more than everyone, so you must learn well. If you don't complete tasks well, and when you're asked to do something, you either wet your pants in fear or complain about the boss, always looking exhausted. Everyone, slowly ponder this and from now on, do as artificial intelligence tells you. Don't say you also have to listen to God's words; if you can't even listen to artificial intelligence's words, then God's words are even further away.

My relationship with my superior is always healthy. It's okay to walk out with tears after being scolded by my superior, and then rush back to my post to continue working hard. Because I care about my superior's core interests and want to do the things they care about well, there's no way our relationship can be bad. You need to know how important your relationship with your parents and other superiors is. I won't nag you; quickly find a book to read slowly, or consult artificial intelligence, which is faster.

VII. Building Relationships with Peers

When building relationships with peers, you cannot issue orders or give instructions; you must follow the rules of operation between peers. You and your peer definitely have a boss above you. I'll teach everyone a very important concept called peer-plus-one. Resolve issues by involving the peer plus one level up, do not discuss or make decisions without authority. If a group of ministers gathers to discuss something without letting the emperor know, they are definitely plotting a rebellion. Therefore, communicate well with your peers, gather enough information, understand the other party's position and your own position, and then report to your superior for a decision. Gathering information is not illegal, but making decisions is not something you peers can do.

Peers explore various possibilities; this relationship is still about doing things. If you are building relationships with brothers and sisters at home, you need to be clear about what the relationship between brothers and sisters is all about. You don't know at first, but you gradually learn. At work, if you get promoted, your peer won't get promoted; there are only so many promotions available. Similarly, if they get promoted, you won't get promoted; this is actually a competitive relationship. To build a win-win situation in a competitive relationship, to do things well in a company or family, you need to know that you can't do it without wisdom, because there are many peers who are tripping you up and causing trouble. I never expect those below me to manage relationships well; they can't. Because they are all in a competitive relationship, the most important thing is to let them each do their job. Now, if it is a problem between you and peers, look at it from your boss's perspective.

VIII. Building Relationships with Subordinates

If you don't know how to be a good subordinate, you can't be a good superior, because those below you will emulate you. If you complain to your subordinates after a meeting with your superior, your subordinates will also go out and complain after a meeting with you. If you don't build a good relationship with those above you, as a Christian, from the perspective of the Bible, this is a bad habit. Relationships cannot be built well, because God is letting you have such a superior to mold you.

There's a bit of a problem in this era. Children don't act like children, and parents don't act like parents; the whole relationship is reversed. You have to beg children to eat, but it's okay if they don't eat; they're not eating into my stomach anyway. Today, we need to rethink how to build relationships with subordinates and handle relationships with subordinates very carefully. People who come to work now are hard to manage. Gradually link their interests with their work. I later invented a term: replace management with training.

IX. Building Relationships with Customers

Customers are those whom you provide services or products to, and they give you money to buy your services or products. A few days ago, a sister said that she suddenly discovered that her customer had broken up with her, and I told her that she had touched the other party's core interests. She was confused, thinking that they usually had a good relationship. However, the customer's good relationship with you is to solve the problems they face. If you don't solve their problems, the relationship won't be good. Everyone needs to be careful because customers can turn on you as quickly as flipping a book, because people have their own core demands. Also, don't always think that a falling out is a big deal; it's called standard operating procedure. Because they get angry, you will put their affairs at a higher priority.

Customers have their own demands. Don't worry if they get angry with you; what they need is your service. If you understand what people want, we will solve it. Getting angry is hoping that you will lower the price for them, give them benefits, and hope that you can solve the problems they are currently facing. But it's not necessarily customer is supreme. Be careful. For example, after a renovation company signs a contract and the money is paid, it feels like they are the boss. If they don't come, you have to beg them to come. Once the contract is signed, who becomes the boss is not yet known. Anyway, after the renovation company finishes your house, that's it.

Customers are also powerful now. They discover that there are also installment payments, but the problem is that you have to pay more for everything you want, again and again, and you will definitely get bitten painfully. But the problem is that if they mess up this project, they won't be able to survive within the company either. In fact, they are also afraid of messing up, so everyone becomes very painful. Therefore, building relationships with customers is about benefits.

X. The Ability to Manage Conflict

We may have conflicts with our superiors. You consider their interests, but sometimes you may not consider them clearly, which may lead to conflict. It doesn't matter if you have conflicts with your peers or your subordinates. Learn to manage conflict and have the ability to manage conflict. What I'm talking about today is very essential. The most important thing for a person to manage and operate their relationships well is conflict management. Whether you can manage well when you encounter conflict, perhaps there is a possibility of transformation in conflict.

Artificial intelligence describes conflict management as establishing effective communication mechanisms, identifying different types of conflict, cultivating conflict resolution skills, establishing a conflict management culture, and providing conflict resolution training. In short, improving conflict management capabilities requires the comprehensive use of multiple strategies to effectively respond to various conflict situations and promote team harmony and efficient development. If conflict is a zero-sum game, it is unsolvable. The most important thing in conflict management is to have wisdom in resolving conflict. The ancient Chinese have set a good example for us in this regard. Today's class is too short to finish, and you need to slowly learn to manage conflict.

Don't be afraid, because we have God to back us up. Therefore, there will be transformation in conflict. The problem now is whether you have faith in God. People don't know how wonderful it is to trust God in their lives, and all relationships can only be managed by themselves. But with God's words, many things will eventually develop in a good direction. This is called all things working together for good, benefiting those who love God. It is a tragedy for people without God. I encourage everyone to figure this out clearly. Believe in the Lord properly. If believing in the Lord is useless, we are deceiving ourselves.

Opportunities are all given by God, and relationships are also managed through God. You have to be a person of faith. Although today's class has only a little spiritual component, it is very down-to-earth. Everyone is gradually beginning to understand the framework I have built for you. What I just talked about is just the beginning, and there is much more to learn later. But don't be afraid. If you haven't learned it yet, don't be afraid. God will help you with grace. May God bless everyone!