Introduction

Good day to all. We continue our study of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I am inclined to call this book The 7 Habits, because whether one is highly effective or not, good habits are good habits, and bad habits are bad habits. I have given eight lectures in the past, two of which were Q&A sessions. There are many habits in this world, but no matter how many there are, they can be divided into two categories: good habits and bad habits. In fact, learning this series of good habits is very beneficial for us. If you are among us, you may lament why you did not attend such a course earlier. Some habits are truly better known when you are younger, the earlier the better, but unfortunately, we are already getting on in years. However, it is not too late to know now; as long as you start learning, you can solve many problems.

Some people are ignorant; they do not know what is good for them, nor do they know what is harmful to them. What we have discussed earlier is personal victory. After learning the previous three lectures plus the two Q&A sessions, and the overall introduction, I think it is difficult for a person not to grow. People who used to make you angry can no longer anger you; you used to suddenly freak out, but now you do not; you used to be confused and disoriented every day, doing things in a rush, but now you do things clearly, with distinct levels, and in order of priority; you used to have no goals, no direction, and no focus, but now you have goals, direction, and focus; you used to have no strategies or methods, but now you have strategies and methods. Therefore, being busy is not the solution; learning to apply knowledge and turning busyness into leisure is the key.

I would also like to share a secret with everyone: once good habits are established, money is the least of your problems, because the world will never mistreat those who are victorious. Therefore, if a person is not victorious, they suffer great losses. The Boxer Protocol of the Xinchou Treaty and the Treaty of Shimonoseki in history represent humiliating histories, because if you cannot defeat others, you will be bullied. But the world will never mistreat those who are victorious, so we must be victorious no matter what.

Personal victory or collective victory is crucial. Once you are victorious, is money still a problem? Some people love money, but money does not love them because they are not victorious. Others do not love money, but money just follows them. How can you explain this? If you observe carefully, that is how it is. If a person's life can be summarized as a history of blood and tears, filled with blood, tears, and humiliation, it means that this person is not victorious. A victorious person will live a life of freedom, filled with fine wine and coffee.

The Definition and Essence of Interpersonal Relationships

This time, we are learning Chapter 6 of The 7 Habits, which is actually a summary of the later habits. These last three habits are closely related to interpersonal relationships. I want to tell you that interpersonal relationships are actually very important because they are very valuable. Everyone has classmates they study with, or fellow workers who work together in the fields like farmers, or roommates who chat after the lights are turned off at night. In your teens and twenties, everyone is in university, carrying a bag because others are carrying a bag, going to school because others are going to school, doing homework because others are doing homework, and even taking exams, sometimes even scoring worse than you. Some of these people may look insignificant now, despised by many, but young people cannot be underestimated. You do not know what kind of person they will become in the future, perhaps becoming a great figure.

For example, the person in the same dormitory as you was Jack Ma, or the person in Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves who could shout Open Sesame. You had no idea that he would become so powerful later. And after he becomes someone, if he happens to think of you, someone from his university dormitory, and happens to have a good position that he is struggling to fill, he calls you and asks you to come to work. Wouldn't you have picked up a bargain?

But the key question is, why would he look for you? It must be because you two had a good relationship in university, and he trusts you. If you were always up to no good in university, and always spoke like a loser, then even if he founded Alibaba in the future, he would definitely want to avoid you. Even if you called him, he would definitely tell you that he is very busy and has no time to pay attention to you.

Therefore, we must start learning to write our own resume from a young age, because interpersonal relationships are really important. I think some of our brothers and sisters really need to change themselves because they do not know that interpersonal relationships are valuable, nor do they know how to manage interpersonal relationships, and they end up handling interpersonal relationships improperly. Many sisters are aloof and glamorous because they are young and beautiful. But what can you do after being aloof? Nothing. Do people need to contact you? No need. When people talk about you, the impression is that you are arrogant, impolite, and indifferent. Do you think such a person can have good interpersonal relationships? In my opinion, forget about it.

No matter how old you are, you need to know that interpersonal relationships are always the most valuable. I urge everyone to start managing interpersonal relationships well from now on. Don't think that just because you are a nice person, you will have good interpersonal relationships. It is not like that. For example, if people are looking for a quality manager or the director of the quality management department, and the boss suggests that you manage it, the people around you will definitely disagree because they think that if you manage it, you will only be a pushover. So being a pushover is useless for interpersonal relationships. You must have your own personality. Managing interpersonal relationships is important, but whether that relationship is valuable after management is another matter. Some people have good relationships, but the relationships are not valuable because they are soft and weak.

When we study a book, we must understand the author's tricks. By Chapter 6, Stephen Covey saw that the book had only two hundred pages and worried that it would not sell well, so he started adding content, adding it to over four hundred pages. What I mean is that Chapter 6 of this book is just an overview of the later chapters. Everyone should know what the author wants to say in each part. For example, I have been speaking for more than ten minutes, but what am I talking about? I am talking about interpersonal relationships. The essence of interpersonal relationships is what Stephen Covey wrote in Chapter 6, summarizing the most critical aspects of interpersonal relationships. To put it bluntly, this chapter is a summary of the last three habits.

Altruism is the Key to Managing Interpersonal Relationships

The concepts the author talks about, such as emotional bank accounts storing the trust that is indispensable for enhancing interpersonal relationships, that is, the sense of security others have when interacting with you, and that politeness, honesty, kindness, and credit can increase emotional bank account deposits, are all good. There can be no friendship without trust, and no trust without honesty. But I want to add a sentence to it: Selfishness means there are no interpersonal relationships; you can't even talk about interpersonal relationships. Recently, Internet celebrities have become very popular on Douyin (TikTok), growing their customer base from 100 million to 200 million, from 200 million to 400 million, from 400 million to 800 million, or even more. Someone on Douyin teaches people how to be an Internet celebrity for sales, and this person talked about a very important concept: altruism. Altruism is the opposite of selfishness; it is seeking the interests and benefits of others.

It is difficult for selfish people to become successful sales-oriented Internet celebrities. Therefore, the establishment of interpersonal relationships requires honesty and trust. If you are a selfish person, others will be wary of you when interacting with you, afraid of being deceived by you. Can such a relationship continue? It cannot. Therefore, personal independence alone does not represent true success. It is not enough to only have the first three good habits. A truly fulfilling life requires the pursuit of public success. The public domain mentioned here is not necessarily a large-scale public, but can be a small public, such as three or five people, thirty or fifty people, or the opinions of your friends around you. If their opinions of you are relatively negative, you need to adjust yourself.

The chapter begins with a story about a person who came to Stephen Covey for a class. As soon as he came to class, he was frowning. He seemed to dislike attending such seminars because his wife would call him at night to interrogate him, and he did not know how to respond, so he was worried about it. This person's wife was also quite interesting. Every time her husband went on a business trip or attended a seminar, she would call to confirm where he ate breakfast and who was next to him, including what he did in the afternoon and what he discussed with whom in the evening. The questions she asked were like interrogating a criminal, which was very annoying.

So why did his wife interrogate him like this? Because of a very simple reason, he met this woman at a seminar when he was still married. He chose to divorce his ex to marry his current wife. Could this person be trusted by his current wife? No, that's why trust is important. You know the author is talking about trust as soon as you read it.

If you flip further down, he talks a lot about emotional bank accounts. Emotional bank accounts are what your impression is in people's minds. You must say the right thing in the right relationship, and manage at the right level. If you have no relationship and you say, Why don't you trust me? that's strange. Why should people trust you? Then some people will say, We just met by chance, why should I trust you? That is to say, you have not yet built something trustworthy in people's minds. This is the emotional bank account you need to manage.

In fact, managing interpersonal relationships is not managing anything else, but managing a relationship of trust. Why is my team an iron team? Because the people I lead have one characteristic, they trust me. They all know First, I won't harm them; second, I am definitely for their benefit; third, they feel that I will definitely bring them benefits. With this level of trust, can our relationship not be strong? They are all my loyal fans. How good it is to be my loyal fans!

If you take your time and carefully think about it, you will find that I am quite remarkable to have managed so many loyal fans. So what is the foundation of a old iron relationship? The foundation is altruism, that is, everything I do is for their benefit. If what I do is for them to make money for me, then our relationship will be very fragile. Like what is said in The Art of War, a good general can lead his soldiers to live and die together, and a good leader must be able to lead his subordinates to charge into battle. In the Bible there is a man named David, who was very good at fighting himself and leading people. He always charged ahead himself. Therefore, managing interpersonal relationships must have the Dao. This altruism is the Dao, and having the Dao is altruism, so we must develop good habits of altruism.

When I was in college, there was a very interesting thing. The interpersonal relationships in other people's dormitories were very tense, but the interpersonal relationships in my dormitory were very harmonious. Beijing winters are very cold, and you have to carry a thermos to a place far away to get hot water. The people in that dormitory were very interesting. One of them locked his thermos. Why did he lock it? Because this person was selfish to the point of being outrageous, unwilling to let others use his hot water. Such people will not achieve much in the future.

But in my dormitory, and in some other dormitories, some people would go out to get hot water with four thermoses and bring four thermoses back. After you turn fifty or sixty, you will find that the person who carried four thermoses to get water has the blessings of four thermoses, the person who carried two thermoses to get water has the blessings of two thermoses, and the person who carried one thermos to get water has no blessings at all. The thermos showed a very interesting phenomenon, which is called selfishness.

How many selfish people are there among us? In fact, selfishness is not because you are reluctant to spend money, but because you do not know how to manage interpersonal relationships. Everyone has an account that records other people's impressions of you. This account is your emotional bank account. If your account is full of selfishness, then this account is a negative number. If your account is full of good reviews, then you are a person who knows how to manage interpersonal relationships. We must learn how to behave. You can't stubbornly say, I'm just like this! You will suffer losses. Can I let you do something that will cause losses? So I am telling everyone again that you must have a big picture, you can't always be selfish and stingy, you must manage your interpersonal relationships, you can't continue like this.

Some people say, Then can I be unselfish and not stingy, but still be a loser? I tell you, if everyone knows that you are a pure loser, then you will not be able to manage interpersonal relationships well. Therefore, you must be a very disciplined person, reliable in doing things, disciplined in doing things, and slowly adjust your habits. After you learn how to adjust, you will find that you are adjusting in all aspects, and you will climb up step by step, becoming better and better at dealing with people. This is not something that can be accomplished in a day or two, but something that requires accumulation over time.

What do you think of me? Some people say that I am a smooth talker, and I can talk well, and I like to listen to what I say. But who knows what I am really like? I tell you, I am quite easy to get along with, whether on stage or off stage, or in private interactions. The more you get to know me, the more you will trust me. I don't deceive people. Because I am the same whether I am on stage or off stage. Although my language is crude and my appearance is unremarkable, my Dao is definitely not crude. In terms of teaching people how to behave, although I am not so qualified, I may still have a little qualification.

Speaking of the essence of interpersonal relationships: the essence of interpersonal relationships is trust, and trust comes from honesty. What you need to pay attention to is that honesty is not being stupid. If you meet a person who is dark-skinned, and a crow lands next to him, and you honestly say, Look, this crow is black, dirty, and ugly, it's really uncomfortable to look at, and the dark-skinned person next to you hears it, he will be unhappy, even if you didn't do anything. Someone also says: This door is fat, short, and ugly. If someone short and fat hears it, they will be hurt. As the saying goes, Don't talk about shortness in front of a short person. You must learn to manage relationships, learn to empathize, and not say everything. What does it matter if the crow lands there? Do you have to say something?

Everyone should be sensitive and not say things that do not edify people. If conflict arises in order to edify someone, that is okay. There is a saying: No discord, no concord. If you create conflict so that they can benefit, that is good. I am a conflict management expert. I can play both the good cop and the bad cop, create a conflict, resolve a conflict, and then improve a relationship. This is called management. To put it bluntly: give a slap and then a date. It sounds crude, but there is no transformation without conflict. It is difficult to edify others. The bad habits in people are deeply rooted. If you don't fix them up, can they get better?

A child was quite naughty. After his mother brought him to me, I disciplined him. As a result, after I disciplined him, he drew me a big card and took a photo of it during Teachers' Day a while ago and had his mother send it to me. My relationship with that child is still good because I know how to manage it. Last time I treated him to a meal, he wanted to buy lollipops. I told him that one of our sisters is called Lollipop, so he remembered it. When he left, I said, I'll buy you a box of lollipops. As a result, this child said, Teacher, the lollipops I want are edible. I understand that. What would I give you inedible ones for? He thought I was going to give him the Lollipop sister. You will find that I disciplined this child, but after disciplining him, our relationship became even better.

Investing in Interpersonal Relationships

In this book, managing interpersonal relationships is referred to as investing in emotional accounts, and seven primary methods of investment are listed. I find the book's explanation of understanding others to be rather rudimentary, not as insightful as my own. I believe the first method of investment is: for the benefit of others, there should be nothing one avoids saying, and one should seek their benefit. For instance, after I discipline a child, they feel relieved and comfortable. Seeking only to edify others, not oneself, is a crucial method of investment, and it is superior to simply understanding others. What good is it if I understand someone, but they then start jumping, shouting, and causing trouble? I understand them, but they don't understand me, or they don't understand themselves.

The author goes on to say: pay attention to small details, keep promises, clarify expectations, be quick to apologize, be honest and upright, and love unconditionally. After reading this, I feel the version is somewhat basic. Of course, if everyone could genuinely achieve these, it would be good. What I want to say is, we must invest within our own logical system, building relationships that edify others. This requires you to first be a victorious person. If you are constantly thinking about transferring your father's house to your own name, do you think your father is unaware? He knows. In his heart, he thinks: That ungrateful child! I raised you and spent so much money on you, and now you even want my house. He becomes saddened. How can the relationship between father and son be good? Therefore, you must first cultivate a habit of giving.

Just a few days ago, a sister told me that her uncle had transferred his house to her cousin, but her father's house had not been transferred to her, and she was preoccupied with this. I told her: tell your father that you are capable and have no problem taking care of yourself, and that you will care for him in his old age. If she said this to her father, their relationship would surely improve. This is giving. If you understand someone's feelings but still desire their property, your understanding is useless. If you are not victorious yourself and are constantly dependent on your parents, the relationship will never improve. Therefore, if you want to succeed in the public sphere and have good interpersonal relationships, everyone must first cultivate the three good habits mentioned earlier. This will at least allow you to support yourself, and perhaps even support others.

The second method of investment mentioned in the book is paying attention to small details. I am not sure if paying attention to small details is good, but I think paying attention to big details is better. Paying attention to big details means being magnanimous in your actions and righteous in your conduct. If you pay attention to small details, you are easily hurt when interacting with critical people. Therefore, when dealing with critical people, I do not necessarily advocate paying attention to small details. I believe it is better to be generous, like the heroes in Water Margin who were known for their generosity and chivalry. This sounds much more powerful. The book also mentions keeping promises, clarifying expectations, being quick to apologize, and being honest and upright, all of which everyone should study carefully.

I also want to give everyone advice on how to conduct themselves: be objective when dealing with problems, which is quite important. When you make a mistake, if you know how to conduct yourself, you will sincerely apologize for not doing things well. But if you do not understand objectivity and insist on calling a deer a horse, how will you interact with others in the future? Everyone knows the idiom calling a deer a horse, which describes someone who deliberately misrepresents things, and you will ruin your reputation. People will say: That kid is useless, he likes to talk nonsense about everything. Therefore, if we are not clear about something, we should first be objective and admit that we did not handle it correctly. Being quick to apologize is a good habit and not shameful.

Some people are obsessed with saving face to an extreme degree, and they refuse to admit when they are wrong. People will avoid such individuals at all costs. Of course, if they have a pastoral relationship with me, I will still have to persist in shepherding them, but if there is no pastoral relationship, I will definitely avoid them. What is the point of building a relationship with them? For those who insist that three times eight equals twenty-three, I would not bother with them unless there was a pastoral relationship.

Even if you show such people the result calculated by a calculator—three times eight equals twenty-four—they would still say, The calculator is broken. These people are strange, and there is no need to argue or persist with them because it is futile. I would tell such a person: The calculator is broken. I'll go repair it, but in reality, I would be secretly laughing.

Also, another very powerful element in managing interpersonal relationships is unconditional love. The author of this book also reads the Bible. After reading about unconditional love in the Bible, he thought it was a good concept. Once something is conditional, a relationship cannot be established. Once there are conditions, it is unhealthy. Everyone can read about unconditional love and understand what the author is trying to say.

The relationship between people is nothing other than a one-on-one connection—you and me, me and you. For example, when we used to praise the great leader Chairman Mao, I thought I had a relationship with him, but he did not know me, so that kind of connection is not a relationship. A relationship means you know me, and I know you. This is a one-on-one relationship. Do not try to cultivate public relations, because public relations are not the same as interpersonal relationships. Public relations belong to marketing or corporate operations. Interpersonal relationships are about one-on-one connections. When people interact, problems will inevitably arise in their relationships. When problems arise, it is always an opportunity, so do not avoid problems.

I like to create a problem, solve a problem, and then turn that problem into an opportunity. Some people have strong counter-intelligence skills, and they say: Are you digging a hole for me? What are you really trying to do? They always think I am scheming, but I do not have that many schemes. I am simply gradually exposing your problems, and once they are exposed, we can solve them. But if you have no problems, what am I supposed to solve? Having problems is good, as the opposite of a problem is an opportunity. So, do not be afraid of problems. Our purpose is to solve problems.

When I was young, people in Northeast China used to say: Liu Bei throwing his child, buying people's hearts. We do not know if it was really about buying hearts or if it was a technique. But everyone should understand that when you encounter a problem, do not avoid it, but solve it little by little. If someone has bad habits, problems will surely arise. When you encounter problems, solve them, and the relationship you build will be healthy. Of course, in this society, you do not necessarily have to solve other people's problems. You can start by solving the problems that you can solve.

I think it is good when problems arise. For instance, if your customer has a problem and you solve it, it creates a very good opportunity. Through this experience, you will have a deeper understanding of the customer's problem, and perhaps you can develop a solution and turn it into a business opportunity. So, the essence of interpersonal relationships is this. Why do we build interpersonal relationships? Because people are interdependent. Self-sufficiency means I dig a piece of land in the mountains, plant something, eat what I grow, and lack nothing. I do not need to exchange anything with anyone and live a secluded life, a paradise away from the world.

But in today's world, this is increasingly impossible because without a complete industrial chain, people cannot survive. So now everything is based on industrial chains, and everyone is a link in the chain. The division of labor is becoming more and more specialized, and what you do cannot exist without relationships with others. Therefore, living in this era, we must cooperate and depend on each other, which means that interpersonal relationships have become very important.

I used to work in customer service, and I was very good at it. My customers liked me very much because I could solve their problems. In my heart, when customers gave me their problems, it was an opportunity for me. Once, an old customer specifically called for me to come down and serve him, to solve his problem, because he felt that others could not do it. At this point, I had already been promoted and was responsible for a team, but the customer did not know. If I put on airs and told the customer that I had been promoted, would that be appropriate? Not ideal, right? I chose to go down and solve his problem. And I was actually capable of solving not only his immediate problem but also the underlying issues because my technical skills were good.

As a result, one time he saw me and said: I'm sorry, I didn't know you were the head of this department. You still came down to help when I called. See how well we built our relationship? And because I liked to go down and see what was happening, the chances of my employees deceiving me were smaller. It was hard to deceive me.

So, when your relationship with customers improves, interdependence is created. And since this was my area of responsibility and my department's responsibility, it was normal for me to go down and do the work. The company paid me a salary and hired me to work, not to sit there and command others to do things. If I let others do the work while I played chess, that would be problematic. If a company's employees can all value interpersonal relationships, it is very good for the company. When I was an employee, I constantly cultivated relationships with my superiors, subordinates, and colleagues, and my interpersonal relationships were quite good.

Relationships are important, but if some relationships have no value, meaning I cannot edify them, and they cannot edify me, then stay away. There is no need to build that relationship; it is a waste of time. But if the relationship is worth building, I will cultivate it well. For example, if I have a boss, I must have a good relationship with my boss. If I have subordinates, I must have a good relationship with my subordinates. Of course, by good, I mean healthy. Building a healthy, mutually edifying relationship is very important.

If we are in a position of authority, we should know how to be a good leader. If we are subordinates, we should know how to be a good subordinate. If we are children, we must know how to be good children. If we are parents, we should know how to be good parents. All of these are relationship issues. Relationships between people are not one-sided; they are two-sided. You often encounter situations where you are met with indifference, but that is okay; I often warm up the coldness. Interpersonal relationships are very important. If you are a teacher, you must act like a teacher. If you are a student, you must act like a student. If I am a subordinate, I would never criticize my superiors because that is not my responsibility. As a subordinate, my responsibility is to do the work they give me well.

For example, if someone gives me the opportunity to take a class, I will study diligently. Even if the content of the class is not the result of my research, and even if I think there are some problems with the content, I can still listen for several months. Because I know how to be a student, I will not say that what you are teaching is wrong. That kind of criticism is of no value and not my responsibility. My responsibility is to learn. After understanding my responsibilities, I will act like a leader when I am a leader, like a subordinate when I am a subordinate, like a student when I am a student, and like a teacher when I am a teacher. Many of us need to adjust, and after you adjust, you will become very wise. Do not do things that have no value; cultivate things that have value.

If I am a member of the congregation, I would not rush into the pastor's office and tell him how to be a pastor because I do not want to be disliked. That ruins interpersonal relationships. Also, I have not held that position, so I do not know the specific situation. I will not make rash judgments about things I do not know. But if it is my responsibility, I will do it well. So, interpersonal relationships are all about trust. Building and managing interpersonal relationships require staying within your responsibilities and managing well. Several times, my subordinates told me that the ministry in other churches was not doing things right. After they told me, I told them that it was none of their business.

You might think that they won't offer any more suggestions because I dampened their enthusiasm. But the question you should be asking is where you have not done well and where you need to improve. Someone told me something interesting the other day, saying that China is like a big family, a team, where everyone is working. But in some areas, there are a lot of people talking, but only one person is working. If a lot of people are talking and telling others how to do things, but only one person is working, the work cannot be done well. Manage yourself. It's best not to manage things that are not your responsibility because you do not know how to manage them. Even if the leader actually lets you manage them, you will not manage them well. So, beneficial advice is to manage what you should manage and not manage what you should not manage.

In contrast, those who always overstep their boundaries, neglecting what they should manage and constantly managing what they should not, will never have good interpersonal relationships. Saying what should not be said and not saying what should be said makes people dislike you. We must gradually learn how to conduct ourselves. The first step is the first three good habits, that is personal victory, and the latter three good habits are a team victory. These habits are very edifying. I want to tell everyone that when you encounter a challenge, always think of others first, putting yourself in their shoes.

If you say that interpersonal relationships are too difficult, it proves that you need to learn how to manage them. Everything is difficult when you do not know how to do it, and not difficult when you do. If you do not know how to do something, everything is difficult, but actually, managing interpersonal relationships is not difficult. So, people must learn. Learning is the key. Learning to think of others means standing in their shoes and considering what you would do if you were them. This is called altruism. From this generation onward, those who are selfish will be punished by the market. Those who are altruistic will receive generous rewards from the market. It is problematic for people to only think of themselves. We will share up to here. Goodbye, brothers and sisters, may God bless you all.